don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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