Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
