dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
