The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
