I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
