It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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