I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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