Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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