I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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