She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
