P.S. I can't hear my feet
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize