he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
