We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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