Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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