my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
