If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
