do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
