I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
