So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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