My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
