he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
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If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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