Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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