"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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