Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
