I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
