listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
