just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
