everyone is single if you try hard enough
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
