Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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