i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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