if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Randomize
