I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
