so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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