Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
