Nicole vs. Life
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
