We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
