On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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