Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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