dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
