Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You can't just leave with hair like that
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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