the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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