I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
