No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
