look no pants
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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