why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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