I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
