im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
