Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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