He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
