Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
