I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I think I won the penis lottery.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
