I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
