Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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