please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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