i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
