You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
