ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
