Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
